You are cordially invited to celebrate Kroguesmas, the birth of the almighty Kroguesmas is an annual event that takes place annually on the second Saturday through Sunday of March to celebrate the birth of the almighty Krogues.
Who is Krogue, you may ask? He is a malevolent being that lives in the center of the earth. To appease him, once a year, we piss on the outdoor earth so that the pee-pee drips down and hydrates Krogue (he feeds upon it). This is known as Pissweek, and is typically celebrated the first week of May. But we are not celebrating Pissweek (yet).
Kroguesmas celebrates the birth of Krogue. He was born of his mother (a black hole named Janine). Krogue (unbound by the laws of physics) spat out of Janine’s va-j-j and rocketed onto planet Earth, killing both the dinosaurs of the cretaceous-tertiary period and also placing the planet on its tilted axis. He first manifested as a kind of primordial goo, before slowly oozing and seeping into the earth’s core.
Millions of years later, a neutral frog named Keroppi (of the Sanrio Canon) refused to piss in his lime kawaii toilet and instead let his urine stream outdoors. It was then that Krogue appeared as a yellow, clouded vision; Keroppi was instructed to spread Krogue’s hatred to the surface world. Keroppi dutifully obliged with both a blood oath and the promise of delicious baked blueberry muffins that were oh so cute.
The celestial event of Krogue’s rocketing from Janine’s va-j-j took place during the second Saturday of March, hence why we celebrate thus. Typical festivities of Kroguesmas include:
| 🍖a feast consisting of: | |
| rotisserie chicken | representing the cretaceous-tertiary dinosaurs wiped out by Krogue |
| root vegetables (carrots, potato, and onion) | vegetables from the outside floor which acts as a conduit for Krogue to suckle his nutrients |
| other side dishes | as necessary to supplement the merriment |
| Snocaps | in homage to Janine, as they are the candy that looks most like her |